Relearning

As a former Southern Baptist and convert to Catholicism, I have some things that I need to rationalize and rethink. As a child, I was taught that there are some teachings and traditions of the Catholic Church that are wrong. One of those is the Crucifix. I remember asking an adult why do Catholics use a Crucifix and we use just a cross. I was told that we(Southern Baptists) like to concentrate on the risen Lord and not upon His death. The Glory is in His Resurrection, not His death.

They are right in the sense that there is tremendous glory in His Resurrection. But there is so much value in understanding, and meditating upon His Passion. His death was the ultimate act of Love. Through His passion, I understand how He suffered so that I may have life. Through his passion, I can begin to contemplate his supernatural Love for humanity. Even though he faced rejection on so many levels, He still willingly laid down His life for His friends. In His Passion, I find His Love. And even though it isn't pleasing to the eye, the Crucifix is pleasing to my heart.

Last night when I walked out of mass, the moon was red. Tonight when I walked out of mass, I could smell the rain. It is interesting how creation recognizes His Passion during Holy week.

Conviction

I shared with my husband my penance. He looked very surprised when I told him that Father said I needed to go to the Triduum. He said in jest, "Wow, you must be a big sinner! The most I got was a couple Hail Marys." And then he hugged me and told me how great it was that his wife was a big sinner. If you know us, then you would be laughing right now. Humor is the main language we speak in our marriage. But he got me thinking.

I have been so convicted lately. My sin has been staggering. I have felt heavy and sad and unworthy and inadequate. I have been trying to figure out why this conviction has hit me so hard. Why am I struggling so much with my wretchedness? Why is it so illuminated? I haven't done anything horrible like murder or anything. But I just feel the conviction weighing on my soul.

Tonight, I prayed about it before mass started. As I was meditating on it, I felt the my world bear down on me and I just prayed, Jesus, what do I do. "Keep your eyes on Me" was his answer. And as I looked at him on the crucifix, and on the alter, and on the faces of my fellow parishioners, I felt peace and that heaviness was lifted for a moment.

Tonight was the night we celebrated Jesus' gift of the last supper. It was on this night, that he taught us about service and gave us the Eucharist. He washed the feet of his disciples. And in doing as he taught, we washed the feet of each other. It is easier to wash than to be washed. It is easier to wallow in self pity than it is to accept forgiveness. It is easier to hold on to what you know than it is to let go and let God.

After I received my Lord in the Eucharist, I again felt that heaviness. The conviction was illuminated so brightly that I couldn't see anything but it. Then I remembered that I was supposed to keep my eyes on him. That is when I realized why it was happening. When you walk so closely in his light, you see all of the naked truth. His light doesn't hide anything. That is why I felt so wretched. His light was shining on my imperfect humanity. When I took my eyes off my wretchedness and looked at him, he told me, "I did all of this for you. You are forgiven."

All I can say is wow. What a moment.

I Have Been Reconciled

Well, I went. I waited in a long line. I had an hour to keep thinking and rethinking everything I thought I should say. And to get more nervous. But, I must admit it was very much worth while. And it was good- no great. It was surreal to hear a flesh and blood person tell me what God has been telling me in prayer. I haven't shared any of what God has been telling me with anyone and for all of it to come pouring out of the Priest's mouth was a little jaw dropping. God knows me well and he knows the obvious must hit me square in the forehead in order for me to "get it."

Got it, God. Thanks for loving me enough to go the extra mile to make the obvious dance out in front of me in bright, pretty colors. I must be an exasperating project. Not only is Your Love unfathomable, but so is Your patience. I promise not to wait another 10 years. I will go when You tell me to go. I am second.

Reconciliation

I am writing here today mostly to hold myself accountable to what I have planned for tomorrow. You see, I haven't been to reconciliation since I went for the first time in RCIA 10 plus years ago. I have allowed myself to find excuse after excuse for not going. When I first converted, I was involved with a very liberal college parish who didn't emphasize the importance of the sacrament. After college, life got busy and we didn't become heavily involved in church. I didn't grow up in the Catholic faith and I didn't feel the tug to go. I didn't really understand the value in going. Growing up, I was taught that the Catholic practice of reconciliation was not a correct interpretation of the bible. So, it has been a hard concept for me to understand. Now I think I do and I am ready to go. As long as I don't chicken out. Which is why I am writing here. If I write it here, then I will go.

In my quest to understand the importance of reconciliation, I have been in prayer. I have prayed for God to show me where I need to examine; what I need to rid myself of; how I need to change. He has shown me that. And the list is quite long. I am easily overwhelmed by it. I am praying for guidance. I am praying for the priest. I hope God has cleared enough time in his schedule for my confession.

Peace Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.
Divine Master,
Grant that I may seek not so much to be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love.
For in giving we receive,In pardoning we are pardoned,
And in dying we are born to eternal life.

Who Crucified My Lord?

The answer is me. This is really hard to face. But God has made it clear to me today. Today is Palm Sunday. It is the day Jesus arrived in Jerusalem for passover and then to die on the cross. Today we studied the Passion of our Lord. Listening to His passion brought me to that moment. The moment Jesus wept for us. The love He has is overwhelming. Here He is. He is about to die. And that is not His concern. His concern is the reason He had to die. He is concerned for our lives. He knows that due to sin, we struggle and struggle and struggle to find peace, love and happiness. We struggle against outside forces and inside forces. And sometimes we do not end up on His side. We don't end up in His love. And He wept.

The sanhedrin led the people to distrust and reject Jesus which resulted in his crucifixion. They were the typical human beings. They were too proud to acknowledge Jesus' authority. They were too self involved to look at the bigger picture. They were so involved with going through the motions that they missed the miracle that was standing in their midst. They didn't want to give up their power. They didn't want to become humble. They would not open their hearts to God's love. These human traits(or sins)are what led them to nail Jesus to a cross and watch him die.

And these are the same traits I struggle with every day. During this lent, we have been challenged to die to ourselves. Dying to these traits will free us to walk closer with Him. If I give in and allow myself to take credit when I shouldn't, or be too proud to admit a mistake, or take control when I should put it on the alter, then up goes the wall between me and my God. I become one of those people 2000 years ago, standing in the crowd, chanting for Jesus to be crucified. How can He forgive me? It's a Love that my sinful, human self is still trying to comprehend.

Here are the lyrics to a hymn that really spoke to me today:

How Could You Say No?
by Mickey cates, Brown Bannister, and Billy Spraque

Thorns on his head, spear in his side;
Yet it was a heartache that made him cry.
He gave His life so you would understand.
Is there any way you could say "no" to this man?

If Christ Himself were standin' here;
His face full of glory, His eyes full of tears;
and He reached out His arms with His nailed-printed hands,
is there any way you could say "no" to this man?

How could you look into His tear-stained eyes
knowing that it's you He's thinking of?
Could you tell Him you're not ready now to give Him your life?
Could you say that you don't think you need His love?

Jesus is here, with His arms open wide.
You can see Him with your heart, if you'll stop lookin' with your eyes.
He's left it up to you; He's done all that He can.
Is there anyway you could say no to this man?

Thorns on His head, your life in His hands,
Is there any way you could say no to this man?

Anger

I write here because I am trying to get all of this straight in my head. I am walking a path so much closer to my God than I have ever been on. It takes the blessing of faith to keep me on it. Now that I have been on it for a while, it has become a part of my everyday life. I think God has always been a part of my life, but I have not always allowed him to take my hand and guide me each day. This relationship that has developed between my Lord and myself is so close to my heart. It has become my normal. My prayer life has deepened and I have learned so much about myself and my faith. My Lord has given me so much affirmation about my call to the catholic church and my role there. I have experienced God in so many awesome ways these last few months that it leaves me speechless.

Which brings me to my reason for needing to write and sort things out. The lesson that I am learning is about anger. Anger takes its hold on me easily. If things are not going my way, it is easy for me to turn to anger. God has been making me more aware of my anger issues. Now, I am not one of these people who throws things and beats their children. No, I like to hold it all inside and occasionally dump in all on my poor unsuspecting husband. People who know me would not think that anger is so rampant in my life. But, I can guarantee you that it has a foothold on me.

This week has been a trial for me. The granite guy has probably stolen our money. We have filed a theft by check complaint with the Attorney General. My husband is calling the police tomorrow about the next steps we should take. And I am very angry. This man has taken a large sum of money from us. We trusted him. In hindsight, it was something we probably shouldn't have done. We are frustrated because we can't finish the kitchen remodel without the money we gave him. He has strung us along on this for three months now and we are coming to the conclusion that we have been had. And I am angry. The moment the anger arrived, I found myself hiding from God. I couldn't face him with all that anger inside of me. I didn't want to face him. I didn't want to go to him. And now that I am coming to the other side of the river, I understand how God is drawing me closer to him through this situation. Human anger and Godly love can not exist side by side. As long as I hold on to that burning anger, I have no desire to seek out my Lord. I am ashamed to say it, but it is my truth. My anger keeps me from my God. This is why he tells us all over the Bible to let go of anger. His love and my anger repel each other. In order for me to find him this week, I had to let go of the anger. I had to find a way to keep the anger out of my heart. Even though I have every reason to be angry, I have to let it go in order to be close to my Lord. That closeness is something I crave and need to feel normal. I am still struggling to keep the anger at bay and delight in the moments when I succeed.

The readings for Mass today include the story of Abraham nearly sacrificing his only son, Issac. Abraham trusted God so much that he was willing to follow God's command and sacrifice his own child. Abraham was willing to lay everything he had on the alter and trust that God knew how to guide him. I pray for just a fraction of Abraham's faith.

Missing Mardi Gras

One of the things I really miss about New Orleans is Mardi Gras. If you are not from there, when you hear the words Mardi Gras, you probably think about all the rude and crude behavior on Bourbon. But that is only one small part of it. Mardi Gras season is part of the glue that holds together the community of New Orleans. I am not speaking of the economic impact, but the social impact. For those who are in a Krewe, there are balls, supper dances, presentations, along with the culminating parade event. My husband did ride a few times in Zeus and enjoyed it immensely. But for us, that wasn't the heart of the fun. Our routine was a little more simple. On parade night, we would go to Gerry's grandmother's house and visit for a while. Then we would gather up all of our parade essentials and head out to Vets. We always stood across from shogun on the neutral ground and had a great time. Sometimes, we would dress up our dog Minnie and take her with us. After we had little Gerry, we would dress him in his favorite costume for the parade. One year on Fat Tuesday, I dressed up too and took little Gerry for a walk down vets before all the parades rolled. It was so much fun. We usually made friends with someone new and always ran into old friends. It was a time to catch up, have fun and enjoy time with family and friends. And at the end of every parade night, we would take those friends back to Gerry's Grandmother's house and have king cake and coffee(or a coke). I love all those memories. I had no idea that they would mean so much to me. They say that New Orleans is the biggest small town in America. If you don't know what that means, then head to New Orleans during Mardi Gras.