Sunday, March 8, 2009

Anger

I write here because I am trying to get all of this straight in my head. I am walking a path so much closer to my God than I have ever been on. It takes the blessing of faith to keep me on it. Now that I have been on it for a while, it has become a part of my everyday life. I think God has always been a part of my life, but I have not always allowed him to take my hand and guide me each day. This relationship that has developed between my Lord and myself is so close to my heart. It has become my normal. My prayer life has deepened and I have learned so much about myself and my faith. My Lord has given me so much affirmation about my call to the catholic church and my role there. I have experienced God in so many awesome ways these last few months that it leaves me speechless.

Which brings me to my reason for needing to write and sort things out. The lesson that I am learning is about anger. Anger takes its hold on me easily. If things are not going my way, it is easy for me to turn to anger. God has been making me more aware of my anger issues. Now, I am not one of these people who throws things and beats their children. No, I like to hold it all inside and occasionally dump in all on my poor unsuspecting husband. People who know me would not think that anger is so rampant in my life. But, I can guarantee you that it has a foothold on me.

This week has been a trial for me. The granite guy has probably stolen our money. We have filed a theft by check complaint with the Attorney General. My husband is calling the police tomorrow about the next steps we should take. And I am very angry. This man has taken a large sum of money from us. We trusted him. In hindsight, it was something we probably shouldn't have done. We are frustrated because we can't finish the kitchen remodel without the money we gave him. He has strung us along on this for three months now and we are coming to the conclusion that we have been had. And I am angry. The moment the anger arrived, I found myself hiding from God. I couldn't face him with all that anger inside of me. I didn't want to face him. I didn't want to go to him. And now that I am coming to the other side of the river, I understand how God is drawing me closer to him through this situation. Human anger and Godly love can not exist side by side. As long as I hold on to that burning anger, I have no desire to seek out my Lord. I am ashamed to say it, but it is my truth. My anger keeps me from my God. This is why he tells us all over the Bible to let go of anger. His love and my anger repel each other. In order for me to find him this week, I had to let go of the anger. I had to find a way to keep the anger out of my heart. Even though I have every reason to be angry, I have to let it go in order to be close to my Lord. That closeness is something I crave and need to feel normal. I am still struggling to keep the anger at bay and delight in the moments when I succeed.

The readings for Mass today include the story of Abraham nearly sacrificing his only son, Issac. Abraham trusted God so much that he was willing to follow God's command and sacrifice his own child. Abraham was willing to lay everything he had on the alter and trust that God knew how to guide him. I pray for just a fraction of Abraham's faith.

2 comments:

twoviolins said...

The Day I Lay My Issac Down

By Lowell Alexander, Dave Clark, Bonnie Keen & Tony Wood


I have a prayer as pure as gold
That where You lead me I will go
And I'll embrace the holy plea
Each time your Spirit calls to me

And in that hour, and in that time
When I must lose my will in Thine
My true devotion will be found
The day I lay my Isaac down

Each sacrifice You call me to
I'll die to self, I'll live for You
Take up the cross, forsake the crown
The day I lay my Isaac down

Your Lamb of Love, Thy blessed friend
Nailed to the altar for each sin
There in my place Your Son was bound
The day You laid Your Isaac Down

Each sacrifice You call me to
I'll die to self, I'll live for You
Take up the cross, forsake the crown
The day I lay my Isaac down

Take up the cross, forsake the crown
The day I lay my Isaac down

debily said...

The very week Matt was diagnosed with cancer was the week we were studying Abraham's sacrifice of Isaac. I knew at that moment what I had to do. Not only did I have to be willing to lay Matt on the altar of sacrifice, but I had to be willing to take my hands off completely and leave him in God's control.
That is perhaps the most difficult sacrifice of all..no matter what or who your Isaac is. Giving up control, whether it be a person or a negative emotion or a bad habit, is not easy. And it is hard and takes incredible faith.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this horrible process. From where I stand you are handling it with tremendous grace and humor, despite the fact that it must be eating you up inside.