Friday, May 15, 2009

In Between

In between is a tough place to be. I am still trying to sort out where I have been and I am not sure of where I am going. I know that this blog is here mostly for me. Sometimes I need to go back and remember what God has said to me in order to shine a light on where to go next. When I go back and read, I am amazed at what I am reading. Its like I didn't even type it.

Right now, I am in between. I have found my past and seen how I have let the unforgiveness and hurt manifest itself. It has been a big stumbling block to trusting others which has starved me of growing with a faith community. I have been thinking and praying and thinking and praying and I think I have forgiven them. I am over being right. I know that I am so blessed to have found the fullness of the faith which is what I was searching for in all my questioning of the baptist church. They love the same God and Jesus I love and we are bonded in that love. I can truly say that I am happy to worship with them and they have a great light to shine before the world. Its no longer about being right, but about being united. There is so much hurt in this world that we shouldn't be wasting energy on arguing about who is right about this and that. Instead, we should be showing Christ's love to all those he puts in our path and worshiping our God with every step we take.

So, I have come to this point. The next step is to trust. I have prayed and have asked how do I trust a faith community. His answer is "Just Do It". So I guess, I just have to jump off the deep end. I have to take the bull by the horns and be bold. Ever since Father Don gave me the analogy of the rocks in my backpack, I have been finding rocks everywhere. On the day I came home from the retreat- the same day I figured out my trust problem, my oldest son showed me a rock with a cross stamped on it. They gave it to him at the church he went to with his friend that day. The day after I met with Father Don, my two year old walked up to me and handed me a rock and walked away. I have found rocks on counter tops, in pockets, in shoes and on my dresser. I need to get rid of the rock in my backpack. And I think the holy spirit is wanting me to make another appointment with Father Don. I will be bringing him an actual rock. I will be telling him that I trust him. I will also be giving my CRHP sisters my blog address after I explain to them why. I like to think that no one is reading this blog. It is a little scary that people from my faith community would be reading it. Its my way of jumping off the deep end I suppose. I have a feeling there is something coming down the pipe that will require me to do some trusting. At this point, the trusting is not my concern. I am concerned about whatever is coming down the pipe.

When I was a teenager in that Southern Baptist Church, I felt that God was calling me to something greater like perhaps some kind of ministry. I sort of dismissed it as I left that church. And, I didn't know how I could fit into a ministry in a Catholic Church so I kept dismissing it. Now I feel like I am being reminded of that calling. I am not sure what the calling is. I think that people in my faith community may know. Spending time with them will help me figure it out.

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