Something came out of my mouth recently that I know I didn't come up with on my own. I said, "I have friends that I talk to and then I have friends that I am there for." After it was spoken, I started to think. I have way more friends that I am there for than I talk to. I would say that I have one friend that I talk to and the rest that I am there for. And I wish it could be different. But I know that I would have to change for that to take place and I haven't a clue where to start.
Being that I am a Navy brat, I think that I have learned that people are not going to be there for me. I went to 9 different schools over 12 years. I have a lot of friends all over the country and not many that I would call and talk to about my life. It's not because I wouldn't like to share with them. We are just not close anymore. They left my life and we all moved on. And now that I am in one place, I am not sure how to do this friend thing. I seem to hold everyone at a distance- waiting for them to leave. I am there for them to talk to or ask a favor of, but beyond that, there isn't much else to hope for. I know that I don't like to make myself vulnerable or to rely on others and I am sure this is a big stumbling block to building friendships. I have recently become aware that if I decline someones offer of help, then I am robbing them of the joy of giving. So, I am trying to be accepting of offered help. But it is hard. I just don't know how else to be but I do know that I would like the joy of friendship in my life so I guess I have to be different. Or become a nun. But Gerry wouldn't like that so much, I think. I'm not quite sure why I am blogging about this but so I am so here it is.