The school year has started and so have the faith formation
programs. I coordinate the middle school
program at my parish. I recently took a
class on prayer and sacraments for this job.
In this class, we did a lot of praying and sharing about our past prayer
experiences. And that got me thinking
about how I got myself all wrapped up in this youth ministry thing. Yep, it all started with a prayer and I have
ended up in a place I never dreamt I would be.
I went on a retreat called Christ Renews His Parish
(CRHP). Great retreat! If you every have such an opportunity, do not
pass it up. Anyhow, when you go to this
retreat, you have the option of being on the team that gives the next CRHP
retreat. And that is where I was. I was the CRHP weekend coordinator and
therefore, I had one of the grave yard shifts for adoration. But this isn’t probably where I should
start. You would benefit from a little
back ground information.
I didn’t grow up in the Catholic Church. I was raised in the Southern Baptist Church
where I was very involved throughout my teenage years. The church was my second home and my peers
and youth ministers were my second family.
Then, my junior year rolled around.
I started asking questions and really challenging the theology of the
Baptist church (which is a completely normal thing for a teen to do). I asked a lot of questions and engaged the
youth minister in a few heated debates.
That is when the distancing began and I started slowly walking
away. By the end of my senior year, the
adults at the church were done with me as I was done with the Baptist
church. And when I finally left, they
didn’t call me to make sure this is what I wanted. I sent a letter asking to be removed from
membership and that was it. The girl who
sang in the choir, sat on the youth council and even lead music in worship
services was leaving the church and they didn’t see the need to talk me out of
it. I had to conclude they were happy to
see the debater go. They were tired of
their theology being challenged on a weekly basis by a know-it-all teenager. Imagine that.
So, I carried this hurt around for years. I never really dealt with it because I
concluded it was God’s plan. God wanted
me to experience the fullness of the Catholic faith and made sure all ties were
cut from my childhood church. But after
many years of avoiding participation in a community beyond showing up for Mass
every once in a while, I had to come face to face with it at CRHP. If I was going to embrace a community at this
retreat, something I desperately needed to do for my own sanity and spiritual
growth, then I needed to face the fear of why I wanted to run away. I had to look at my brokenness and find
forgiveness in my heart for the adults who betrayed it. I was in the middle of this process when I
found myself alone with the Blessed Sacrament in the middle of the night.
I was praying for the next step. I was asking God what he wanted me to do. Where did he want me to serve? I was at the end of the CRHP formation
process and soon the weekend that my team was facilitating would be over. Now that I was investing in the community
once again, where should I serve and what should I do? Youth ministry was always something I thought
I would never do because of my past and the fact I wasn’t raised in the
church. Not only did I have a falling
out with my youth minister that led me to leave my childhood church, but as a
convert, I felt like I didn’t know enough about the Catholic faith to teach
youth. Nope, I was too broken and
inexperienced for youth ministry and anyplace else seemed like a better
fit. But that is not what the Lord
thought.
There I was before the Blessed Sacrament. I had left my career as a middle school band
director the year before and I felt like I was in the position to really lay
down my life. I wasn’t tied to anything
professionally. Serving the Lord was my
greatest desire and I was filled with great joy to surrender myself so
recklessly. And that is where I
was. I was surrendering and experiencing
this joy when the Lord hit me with a ton of bricks. He said, “I want you to work in middle school
youth ministry.” All of a sudden, I
couldn’t quite catch my breath and I started shaking. “Really, Lord? Seriously?”
And, like a paper doll under a ton of bricks, I crumbled. I started in with the litany of why that
wasn’t going to work and how I wasn’t fit for the job. But He didn’t stop asking. He wanted me to trust Him because He knew me
better than I know myself. He knew the
wounds I carried around, wounds that left lasting scars, and yet he still
wanted me to serve in this capacity. He could see something I couldn’t. So, I surrendered. And luckily, I pulled myself together just in
time for the next holy hour shift to begin and in walks the middle school youth
minister. “Really, Lord? Seriously?”
I spent the next two years as a volunteer on the core team
for the middle school faith formation program.
During holy week of my second year on the team, I felt the Lord calling
me again. My youngest son was just one
year away from Kindergarten which meant I needed to figure out what I wanted to
do when I grew up. Was I going back to
teaching or was did I want to change careers?
By this time, I had some experience in youth ministry and I really
enjoyed it. Despite my past experience
and my convert status, I fit in well with the youth. It seemed like the perfect place for me to
volunteer. Actually getting a paying job
in the field didn’t seem feasible since I didn’t have the correct degrees and
let us not forget that I am not a cradle Catholic. Anyhow, I remember it so clearly. Our pastor was preaching on Easter morning
and in his homily, he challenged us to participate in the resurrected life of
Christ. In order to do that, we needed
to die to ourselves and surrender our lives as Christ did. And that is when the Lord whispered to me
that he wanted me to surrender once again and do the youth ministry thing for
real. Again, ton of bricks, but this
time there was an unexplained joy behind them.
I trusted Him so recklessly the first time around and things turned out
great. So, why not? If it was the Lord’s will, then I would get a
job. If not, then I would continue to
volunteer. It seemed like a win-win
situation.
That week, I asked my friend, the middle school youth
minister how one would go about seeking a job in youth ministry. At this time, our youth ministry staff was
undergoing some change and little did I know, the parish leadership was
restructuring the program. My friend,
the middle school youth minister was discerning if she should step into the
newly created Youth Director position.
If she did, who would step into her role? Who would run the program she poured her
heart and soul into for these past few years?
My name popped into her head and later that week, my email popped into
her inbox. Yes, my friends, that is the Holy
Spirit at work. Long story short, here I
am in my second year filled with joy doing what the Lord has called me to
do. And in this service, a healing has
taken place. I’m more whole, more
complete. The lasting scars have
faded. Five years ago, if you had told
me I would be working in youth ministry, I would have stepped outside to see
the flying pigs. Never did I imagine
that this is where I would be. Never did
I imagine I would find such joy in serving the Lord in the one place I most
feared.
So, be not afraid. “Trust
in the Lord with all your heart.” (Proverbs 3:5). Because, “I know well the plans I have in
mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for your woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope.”
(Jeremiah 29:11) And when we trust and
place our hope in the Lord, we “will soar as with eagles’ wings; [we] will run
and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint.” (Isaiah 41:31)
All glory be to the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. As it was
in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment