I have to go to confession. I have done it yet again. I have denied my Lord.
I grew up in a solid Southern Baptist family. A family that was a corner stone in many of the churches we called home. A family that preachers stand at the pulpit and call families to be. A family that not only seemed solid on the outside, but full of God's love on the inside. I lived it. I grew up in it. I was part of it. I am so blessed for this experience.
And then I had to make a choice. Either follow Jesus to the Catholic Church or stay with my family in the church that raised me. It was not an easy choice. It was clear to me which path to take, but I knew my family would be hurt in the process. I knew they would be confused. I knew they would pray for my return. I knew that this choice would separate me from them and they knew it would separate them from me. It was not an easy choice. But because of the love that reigned in our family, we were able to accept the different person I had become. The person Jesus was and is calling me to be. They were able to look past the differences in our faiths and find the love that bound us from the beginning. Although there is still some sadness, there is a glimmer of joy once again. And I am deathly afraid of crushing that glimmer.
I find it so hard to be Catholic in front of my family. It’s easy to invite them to baptisms, first communions and mass on holidays when they are visiting us, but it’s totally different to be Catholic in front of them. To share my experiences with the Eucharist or our Lady is like I am slapping them in the face. It’s like I am celebrating my betrayal of their faith. Most of what they believe is wrong with the Catholic faith is where I am finding my deepest experiences with our Lord. So, the idea of really sharing my faith with them is like twisting the knife I threw at their hearts on my way out of their church. I don't want to twist that knife. I don't want to hurt them anymore. So I stay silent.
And in that silence, I hear Jesus asking me to speak, to share, and to be who he is calling me to be. I have ignored him. I have not obeyed. I don't want to twist that knife. I lack courage. I lack faith that Jesus knows what he is doing. I lack faith that he will heal the hurt my sharing will inflict. My finite brain cannot see past the pain my exodus brought to their hearts. I must trust that he does see past it. I must trust that the separation imposed by my choice will ultimately bring Him glory. I must trust.
It's in moments like these that I can relate to what Peter must have felt. I love the Lord with an all consuming love that I can't quite understand. It’s a love that must be from God because I am completely unworthy of feeling it. It envelops me. Its alive in me. I can only imagine how much more love Peter felt having actually walked with Jesus. He felt his hands wash his feet. He listened to his voice speak the wisdom of God. He watched him walk on water, feed the hungry, and transfigure before the heavens. Oh, how Peter must have loved our Lord. And when the moment came for Peter to declare that love, he failed. And he was given a second chance, and he failed. And then the third opportunity came, and he failed again. Peter shows us how easy it is to let our humanity smother the burning love. He shows us how easily our fear can overcome our courage. And our Lord knows this. And he is ready to forgive when we fail. Peter went on to be the rock upon which our Lord built his church. In order to be that person, Peter must have not only been forgiven, but he also must have forgiven himself. How else could he have had the courage to go on and build Christ's church?
So must I. I must ask for forgiveness and then accept that forgiveness. I must ask for Jesus to help my unbelief. I must ask for courage and step out of the boat. I must trust that the impossible will be made possible by the one who wills it so. I must be who Jesus is calling me to be. I must be confident that although my family may label me as zealous or crazy, Jesus wants me to speak of my experience with him. When I step out of that boat, I will pay a price. I will sacrifice a piece of myself that binds me with them once again. And when the hurt causes my faith to sink in the water, Jesus will extend his hand and lead me to do the impossible. I must trust.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Leaving the Jail
John 1:1-5
Christ’s death on the cross is such a mystery to me. I am a very logical thinker and logic is not very clear in this act by Christ. My finite brain has a hard time wrapping itself around this event which is frustrating because this is the major event for Christianity. This is the defining moment for us. This event restored our relationship with God and allowed him to touch us with his love in a whole new way.
Dying for someone is the ultimate act of love. But Christ didn’t just die for us. It’s not like he pushed us out of harm’s way from a speeding train and ended up getting killed. No, Christ’s death was a lot more complicated. Our punishment for original sin is separation from God- a spiritual death. We were not going to be spending our eternity with God because of our sinful nature. Our sin got us the death sentence. That is our punishment. So, imagine your children get into trouble and end up on death row. What would you do? Not only can you not share in the wonderful life you dreamed for them, but you know that they are going to die there and you will never see them again. That is what God felt for us. So he went to work. You can see him working all over the Old Testament making covenants and making more covenants when covenants were broken. He molded a nation so that at least some of his earthly children would be somewhat prepared to recognize him when he did come to earth to bargain for our lives. And then he did come and walk among his children- he came to the jail. He taught about life outside of the jail. And then he talked the jailer into taking his life instead of ours. He volunteered to serve our death sentence- our horrible death sentence. And when the hour came, he was killed. And at that moment, we were set free. We were free to leave the jail.
I think that is where we are. We are all sitting in the jail and God is inviting us out. He is inviting us to take his son’s hand and walk out. He wants us to feel the sun on our face and the fresh air in our lungs. He wants us to see the vivid colors he painted in the sky as the sun takes upon a new day. He wants us to feel the warm sand between our toes and hear the beautiful songs he gave the birds. He wants us to experience life the way he created it for us. All we have to do is take Christ by the hand and walk out.
Sounds inviting doesn’t it? It sounds like a dream come true for us criminals. But, I think that it is harder to walk out of that jail then we realize. We are taken care of in that jail. They give us meals, a roof over our head and provide books and TV and the like to help us pass the time. We are comfortable. We have been in the jail so long that we have forgotten about what the outside world is like. The experience of God’s perfect world has become a myth- a story of long ago meant for dreamers or crazy people. The world we know is the jail and the world outside the jail is the unknown. Leaving that jail takes faith.
God knows how hard it is for us to leave. Although it breaks his heart that the children he died for are so reluctant to claim their lives with him, he understands that leaving the jail is a struggle. That is why he gives us so much to help- scripture, the sacraments, the church, angels, graces, and most of all, the Holy Spirit. He is hoping that we will leave and not go back. That we will take Christ by the hand and follow him to the life God wants us to experience. That we will accept the love poured out to us in the cross and live in it. He is waiting for us with open and loving arms. So, will you do it? Will you step into the unknown and leave the jail? I can only imagine the joy on Christ’s face when you reach for his hand.
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things came to be through him, and without him nothing came to be. What came to be through him was life, and this life was the light of the human race; The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.Have you ever wondered what the pre-incarnate Christ was up to before the incarnation? I have never really thought about it before. He was in the beginning. He is the word of God. The word was with God in the beginning. I never thought of the pre-incarnate Christ standing next to the father in the beginning. All things were made for him and through him. He participated in creation. God the father made creation out of love for the son. He made us for Christ and both have loved us like they love each other. Imagine how they felt when Adam and Eve fell to temptation and forever separated themselves from the love of God. Imagine how devastated they were when the effects of that fall passed through the generations and their beautiful creations chose to die rather than be with God. Imagine how desperate they were to find a way to save us from ourselves. They came to our level. They came to us. Christ took upon our humanity to bring us the message of God’s love. And then he paid the price for our sin. He showed us God’s unending and overwhelming love for us by dying an innocent and horrible death so that we may have a way back to God.
Christ’s death on the cross is such a mystery to me. I am a very logical thinker and logic is not very clear in this act by Christ. My finite brain has a hard time wrapping itself around this event which is frustrating because this is the major event for Christianity. This is the defining moment for us. This event restored our relationship with God and allowed him to touch us with his love in a whole new way.
Dying for someone is the ultimate act of love. But Christ didn’t just die for us. It’s not like he pushed us out of harm’s way from a speeding train and ended up getting killed. No, Christ’s death was a lot more complicated. Our punishment for original sin is separation from God- a spiritual death. We were not going to be spending our eternity with God because of our sinful nature. Our sin got us the death sentence. That is our punishment. So, imagine your children get into trouble and end up on death row. What would you do? Not only can you not share in the wonderful life you dreamed for them, but you know that they are going to die there and you will never see them again. That is what God felt for us. So he went to work. You can see him working all over the Old Testament making covenants and making more covenants when covenants were broken. He molded a nation so that at least some of his earthly children would be somewhat prepared to recognize him when he did come to earth to bargain for our lives. And then he did come and walk among his children- he came to the jail. He taught about life outside of the jail. And then he talked the jailer into taking his life instead of ours. He volunteered to serve our death sentence- our horrible death sentence. And when the hour came, he was killed. And at that moment, we were set free. We were free to leave the jail.
I think that is where we are. We are all sitting in the jail and God is inviting us out. He is inviting us to take his son’s hand and walk out. He wants us to feel the sun on our face and the fresh air in our lungs. He wants us to see the vivid colors he painted in the sky as the sun takes upon a new day. He wants us to feel the warm sand between our toes and hear the beautiful songs he gave the birds. He wants us to experience life the way he created it for us. All we have to do is take Christ by the hand and walk out.
Sounds inviting doesn’t it? It sounds like a dream come true for us criminals. But, I think that it is harder to walk out of that jail then we realize. We are taken care of in that jail. They give us meals, a roof over our head and provide books and TV and the like to help us pass the time. We are comfortable. We have been in the jail so long that we have forgotten about what the outside world is like. The experience of God’s perfect world has become a myth- a story of long ago meant for dreamers or crazy people. The world we know is the jail and the world outside the jail is the unknown. Leaving that jail takes faith.
God knows how hard it is for us to leave. Although it breaks his heart that the children he died for are so reluctant to claim their lives with him, he understands that leaving the jail is a struggle. That is why he gives us so much to help- scripture, the sacraments, the church, angels, graces, and most of all, the Holy Spirit. He is hoping that we will leave and not go back. That we will take Christ by the hand and follow him to the life God wants us to experience. That we will accept the love poured out to us in the cross and live in it. He is waiting for us with open and loving arms. So, will you do it? Will you step into the unknown and leave the jail? I can only imagine the joy on Christ’s face when you reach for his hand.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Love
Love. Now that is a big word. Just when I think I have learned enough to figure out love, I find that I am just scrapping the iceberg. I know that I crave love. I know that I need love more than I realize. I know that love belongs in my being like water belongs in a well. The desire to find that water to fill my soul is overwhelming. That desire has driven me to my knees. It has meant the choice between happiness and despair. I have found that love is where I am made to live.
I have been learning about triune love- the love of God- the love of the trinity. Altruistic love is a completely unselfish love that two beings share. It is a love that gives everything of one’s self to another and expects nothing in return. It is loving someone for who they are and not for what they have done or accomplished or have given. In the trinity, the Father and the Son share this perfect altruistic love for one another. Their love is so powerful that it takes on a being all its own in the Holy Spirit.
God created man in his own image. Our souls are vessels to hold love. Our souls need this love like our lungs need air. God desires with all of his being to share this love with us. He wants so much to fill our souls. But we have to say yes. We have to choose it. What would this love mean to us if he didn’t give us the choice to choose it? What kind of lover forces his love on his beloved? God loves us so much that he wants us to choose his love. He is patient enough to give us our lifetime to make this choice. His desire to share love with us is greater than we can ever imagine.
Because of original sin, we have been separated from God. Our ability to share in his love was greatly compromised when Adam chose to believe a lie. God has gone to great lengths to restore that relationship with us. God’s desire to give that love to us drove him to do the unthinkable. God gave up his beloved for us. The father sacrificed the second person of the trinity for us. He gave us the object of his powerful love. And Christ, for the love of us and the Father also did the unthinkable. He chose to leave the father’s presence and come to earth and become vulnerable to us. He became a helpless baby. He became a man in a world absent of the love that possessed every ounce his very being. He delivered the message of divine love to a generation that didn’t understand it or accept it. And when they rejected him, he continued to give- to love. When they couldn’t or wouldn’t understand His message, he showed them- he showed us. He completely gave himself to us. He took upon himself the punishment of our sin. He sacrificed himself so that we may share in the powerful love of God. This act by Christ is a mystery that I will spend my life unraveling. But I know that the love God shows us in this act is greater than my mind can imagine and my heart can understand.
So how do I grab a hold of this love? How do I come to accept the love of God and let it flow in my soul? Its one thing to say that I want to accept the love- but it’s an entirely different thing to actually do it. I am learning that accepting this love is a process. He gives me as much as I am ready to receive. I have chosen Christ. I am open to him. I have shared my life and I daily invite him to live in my soul. But I found that it doesn’t stop there. He asks for something greater from me. He wants me to love him like he loves me. Am I even capable of this kind of love? After suffering rejection and humiliation by the people he loved, he got up on a cross and died a horrible death so that I may share in eternal life with God. Is it possible for me to return this kind of love? I know that he doesn’t expect me to because altruistic love has no expectations. But I feel him asking me to try it. I think that the more I love, the more love I am able to accept. Sacrifice of one’s self to the other is the birth of this perfect love. I have to sacrifice my humanity. I have to surrender.
To surrender is to give up control. To surrender is to place myself in his hands. To surrender is to make His will my will. Out of love, he gave his life for me so I must surrender my life to him . I must free fall backwards into the arms of God- arms I cannot see with my humanity but whose strength I must trust with my spirit. I must let him take the wheel, let my life be his and allow him to live through me.
Even though I am the biggest control freak on the planet, over time I have managed to surrender some aspects of my life to God. And in each surrender, love flows. Love abundantly flows. It fills my soul and overflows into every aspect of my life. My spirit experiences a joy that words fail to describe- a joy that transcends my daily struggles. So that even though the storm rages all around, as long as my focus is on my Lord, the joy sustains me and the love flows.
Not only do I find joy in the surrender, but I find freedom. When I completely surrender to the Lord, freedom reigns. First, trust drives out fear which allows peace to replace worry. Then love flows more freely and joy overtakes my spirit. I am free to be loved, free to give love and free to live the life God wants me to experience. I am free to do the one thing I am made to do- worship and love my God.
I have been learning about triune love- the love of God- the love of the trinity. Altruistic love is a completely unselfish love that two beings share. It is a love that gives everything of one’s self to another and expects nothing in return. It is loving someone for who they are and not for what they have done or accomplished or have given. In the trinity, the Father and the Son share this perfect altruistic love for one another. Their love is so powerful that it takes on a being all its own in the Holy Spirit.
God created man in his own image. Our souls are vessels to hold love. Our souls need this love like our lungs need air. God desires with all of his being to share this love with us. He wants so much to fill our souls. But we have to say yes. We have to choose it. What would this love mean to us if he didn’t give us the choice to choose it? What kind of lover forces his love on his beloved? God loves us so much that he wants us to choose his love. He is patient enough to give us our lifetime to make this choice. His desire to share love with us is greater than we can ever imagine.
Because of original sin, we have been separated from God. Our ability to share in his love was greatly compromised when Adam chose to believe a lie. God has gone to great lengths to restore that relationship with us. God’s desire to give that love to us drove him to do the unthinkable. God gave up his beloved for us. The father sacrificed the second person of the trinity for us. He gave us the object of his powerful love. And Christ, for the love of us and the Father also did the unthinkable. He chose to leave the father’s presence and come to earth and become vulnerable to us. He became a helpless baby. He became a man in a world absent of the love that possessed every ounce his very being. He delivered the message of divine love to a generation that didn’t understand it or accept it. And when they rejected him, he continued to give- to love. When they couldn’t or wouldn’t understand His message, he showed them- he showed us. He completely gave himself to us. He took upon himself the punishment of our sin. He sacrificed himself so that we may share in the powerful love of God. This act by Christ is a mystery that I will spend my life unraveling. But I know that the love God shows us in this act is greater than my mind can imagine and my heart can understand.
So how do I grab a hold of this love? How do I come to accept the love of God and let it flow in my soul? Its one thing to say that I want to accept the love- but it’s an entirely different thing to actually do it. I am learning that accepting this love is a process. He gives me as much as I am ready to receive. I have chosen Christ. I am open to him. I have shared my life and I daily invite him to live in my soul. But I found that it doesn’t stop there. He asks for something greater from me. He wants me to love him like he loves me. Am I even capable of this kind of love? After suffering rejection and humiliation by the people he loved, he got up on a cross and died a horrible death so that I may share in eternal life with God. Is it possible for me to return this kind of love? I know that he doesn’t expect me to because altruistic love has no expectations. But I feel him asking me to try it. I think that the more I love, the more love I am able to accept. Sacrifice of one’s self to the other is the birth of this perfect love. I have to sacrifice my humanity. I have to surrender.
To surrender is to give up control. To surrender is to place myself in his hands. To surrender is to make His will my will. Out of love, he gave his life for me so I must surrender my life to him . I must free fall backwards into the arms of God- arms I cannot see with my humanity but whose strength I must trust with my spirit. I must let him take the wheel, let my life be his and allow him to live through me.
Even though I am the biggest control freak on the planet, over time I have managed to surrender some aspects of my life to God. And in each surrender, love flows. Love abundantly flows. It fills my soul and overflows into every aspect of my life. My spirit experiences a joy that words fail to describe- a joy that transcends my daily struggles. So that even though the storm rages all around, as long as my focus is on my Lord, the joy sustains me and the love flows.
Not only do I find joy in the surrender, but I find freedom. When I completely surrender to the Lord, freedom reigns. First, trust drives out fear which allows peace to replace worry. Then love flows more freely and joy overtakes my spirit. I am free to be loved, free to give love and free to live the life God wants me to experience. I am free to do the one thing I am made to do- worship and love my God.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
An Exchange of Hearts
I am taking a catechism class at church. We are reading Catholic Christianity by Kreeft which is an explanation of the Catechism. I have only gotten through the first chapter, but so far I am really impressed. I am especially impressed and excited about his take on salvation theology. You see, I have this debate always going on in my head. I was raised Protestant. I was taught doctrine of the Protestant faith for the first 18 years of my life. I can't just shake that off. I know to the depths of my soul that the Catholic faith is true, but I can just forget 18 years of Protestant education. So when I stumble across something that the two can agree on rather than debate about, I find a little peace.
In the Baptist church I was raised in, you are saved when you pray a special, simple prayer. Basically, you ask God for forgiveness for the way you have been living your life and you invite Jesus to live in your heart. By praying this prayer, you acknowledge that you believe in Jesus and that he wants to have a relationship with you. By inviting Him into your heart, you are engaging Him in that relationship and thus you gain salvation. It is a very simple process and also a very life changing process.
The Catholic Faith doesn't make it quite that plain and simple. But according to Kreeft, the Catechism does explain a very similar process. Faith is given to us by God. It is handed down to us through the Church. God places the desire for faith in us through the Holy Spirit. We have a choice. We can either accept the faith and open the door to our soul and invite God in our lives, or we can reject it. When we open the door and let God into our soul, we are choosing to act on the Faith. Salvation is the presence of God in our soul. So by acting on the Faith and allowing God into our soul, we gain salvation.
So, as you can see, the Protestants and Catholics agree here. God must be present in our hearts/soul in order for us to gain salvation. Now there are several other points about salvation that Catholics and Protestants can debate, but I am not going to go into those in this blog. I would like to savor this little bit of peace for right now.
There are several things that Catholics can learn from Protestants. One is the process they use to become saved. They have a conversion experience. They give Jesus their broken lives, broken families, broken friendships, and broken hearts. And they allow Jesus to work in them. They allow Him to change them. They trust Him to fix the wrong in their lives so they might be able to walk closer with Him. They allow Jesus to use them. They allow Jesus to reign in their soul.
When I was five, I prayed the special, simple prayer. I didn't really have anything broken inside me yet, but I know I was changed. Jesus did engage me in a personal relationship on that day. As I grew up, I sought after Him. I learned more about Him. I prayed to Him. I tried to be the person He wanted me to be. The more I sought after Him, the more strained my relationship with the Baptist church became. And then He led me out door of the Baptist church and into the door of a Catholic church which was the last place I thought I would ever be. But I followed Him. And when I finally got there and understood what was going on in the Mass- not just with my intellect, but with my spirit, I was so humbled. All these years, I was handing Jesus my heart. I was giving him my everything. I even went so far as to leave the faith of my family and friends to go to this strange church. And when I first got there, I was sure that Jesus was nuts. Why was I at a Catholic Mass? But then I looked at the sacrifice on the altar, and I finally understood what Jesus was doing for me. All these years, I had been handing Jesus my heart, and up there on the altar, Jesus was handing me His. My hunger for the Eucharist began on that day.
Naturally, one of the first books I bought when I decided to convert was a book on Eucharistic miracles. I wanted to know more about the Eucharist. The other day, I was re-reading it and this one miracle really struck a chord. In the 8th century in Lanciano, Italy, the blessed sacrament actually became a piece of flesh and the wine became real blood. This miracle has been preserved and is still on display today. In the seventies, they ran some tests on the preserved flesh and found that it was from the human heart.
The invitation for Jesus to live in our hearts is not one sided. Just as the three persons in the trinity completely give themselves over to each other, Jesus desires to give Himself to us and hopes we have the same desire to give ourselves to Him. Yes, we should invite Him into our hearts. We should invite Him to reign in our souls, but He is offering us something too. He is offering us His heart. His perfect heart that He sacrificed on the cross. The heart that stopped beating for our sin. The heart that rose from the dead and gained salvation for mankind. He gives us His heart in the Eucharist and He hopes that we will come to the table and meet Him there. And that we will share in His gift, be swept up in His love and allow Him to reign in our souls. In exchange for our hearts, He offers us His.
It is my greatest desire that I live long enough to die to my humanity and allow Jesus to completely reign in my soul. When I prayed that special, simple prayer all those years ago, a process began. The prayer I prayed embraced my justification before the Lord and it started my sanctification. It started the life-long conversion process that is leading me to my God. In order to get me there, Jesus is giving me His heart. He is leading the way. He is holding my hand and sometimes carrying me on the dark and stormy ill traveled road. And when I get to the end of that road and stand before the Father, it is my hope that He will not see me. That my life will have been one where I died to my humanity and allowed Christ to live in me and through me. May the Father see His Son who has dressed me in His salvation and reigned in my soul.
In the Baptist church I was raised in, you are saved when you pray a special, simple prayer. Basically, you ask God for forgiveness for the way you have been living your life and you invite Jesus to live in your heart. By praying this prayer, you acknowledge that you believe in Jesus and that he wants to have a relationship with you. By inviting Him into your heart, you are engaging Him in that relationship and thus you gain salvation. It is a very simple process and also a very life changing process.
The Catholic Faith doesn't make it quite that plain and simple. But according to Kreeft, the Catechism does explain a very similar process. Faith is given to us by God. It is handed down to us through the Church. God places the desire for faith in us through the Holy Spirit. We have a choice. We can either accept the faith and open the door to our soul and invite God in our lives, or we can reject it. When we open the door and let God into our soul, we are choosing to act on the Faith. Salvation is the presence of God in our soul. So by acting on the Faith and allowing God into our soul, we gain salvation.
So, as you can see, the Protestants and Catholics agree here. God must be present in our hearts/soul in order for us to gain salvation. Now there are several other points about salvation that Catholics and Protestants can debate, but I am not going to go into those in this blog. I would like to savor this little bit of peace for right now.
There are several things that Catholics can learn from Protestants. One is the process they use to become saved. They have a conversion experience. They give Jesus their broken lives, broken families, broken friendships, and broken hearts. And they allow Jesus to work in them. They allow Him to change them. They trust Him to fix the wrong in their lives so they might be able to walk closer with Him. They allow Jesus to use them. They allow Jesus to reign in their soul.
When I was five, I prayed the special, simple prayer. I didn't really have anything broken inside me yet, but I know I was changed. Jesus did engage me in a personal relationship on that day. As I grew up, I sought after Him. I learned more about Him. I prayed to Him. I tried to be the person He wanted me to be. The more I sought after Him, the more strained my relationship with the Baptist church became. And then He led me out door of the Baptist church and into the door of a Catholic church which was the last place I thought I would ever be. But I followed Him. And when I finally got there and understood what was going on in the Mass- not just with my intellect, but with my spirit, I was so humbled. All these years, I was handing Jesus my heart. I was giving him my everything. I even went so far as to leave the faith of my family and friends to go to this strange church. And when I first got there, I was sure that Jesus was nuts. Why was I at a Catholic Mass? But then I looked at the sacrifice on the altar, and I finally understood what Jesus was doing for me. All these years, I had been handing Jesus my heart, and up there on the altar, Jesus was handing me His. My hunger for the Eucharist began on that day.
Naturally, one of the first books I bought when I decided to convert was a book on Eucharistic miracles. I wanted to know more about the Eucharist. The other day, I was re-reading it and this one miracle really struck a chord. In the 8th century in Lanciano, Italy, the blessed sacrament actually became a piece of flesh and the wine became real blood. This miracle has been preserved and is still on display today. In the seventies, they ran some tests on the preserved flesh and found that it was from the human heart.
The invitation for Jesus to live in our hearts is not one sided. Just as the three persons in the trinity completely give themselves over to each other, Jesus desires to give Himself to us and hopes we have the same desire to give ourselves to Him. Yes, we should invite Him into our hearts. We should invite Him to reign in our souls, but He is offering us something too. He is offering us His heart. His perfect heart that He sacrificed on the cross. The heart that stopped beating for our sin. The heart that rose from the dead and gained salvation for mankind. He gives us His heart in the Eucharist and He hopes that we will come to the table and meet Him there. And that we will share in His gift, be swept up in His love and allow Him to reign in our souls. In exchange for our hearts, He offers us His.
It is my greatest desire that I live long enough to die to my humanity and allow Jesus to completely reign in my soul. When I prayed that special, simple prayer all those years ago, a process began. The prayer I prayed embraced my justification before the Lord and it started my sanctification. It started the life-long conversion process that is leading me to my God. In order to get me there, Jesus is giving me His heart. He is leading the way. He is holding my hand and sometimes carrying me on the dark and stormy ill traveled road. And when I get to the end of that road and stand before the Father, it is my hope that He will not see me. That my life will have been one where I died to my humanity and allowed Christ to live in me and through me. May the Father see His Son who has dressed me in His salvation and reigned in my soul.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
When I Embrace Reconciliation
"‘As the Father has sent me, even so I send you.’ And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and said to them, ‘Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained’" (John 20:21–23)
I admit it. I am addicted to reconciliation. Not in a million years did I think that I would WANT to utilize this sacrament-especially since I have a fear of trusting anyone in ministry. But, now that I have utilized it, I can't seem to get enough of it.
When I was growing up in the Southern Baptist Church, I was taught that the Catholic's practice of reconciliation was not necessary. I was taught that confession directly to almighty God through prayer is all that is needed for forgiveness of sins. Although my Southern Baptist brothers and sisters are correct in that confession directly to God will forgive their sins, they are overlooking a great gift Jesus gives us in reconciliation.
I wasn't sold on the idea of reconciliation when I first became Catholic. I didn't really understand why I should confess my sins to a perfect stranger. To tell you the truth, I never really thought about my sins. As a Southern Baptist, we weren't taught to focus on what we had done wrong, but to try to move on and live right. God has already forgiven us when we invited Jesus to live in our hearts so there was no need to ask for forgiveness unless you did something really wrong. So, when I became Catholic, the whole thing didn't make sense to me. I hadn't murdered anyone, so why did I need to go to confession? It wasn't until I started studying the bible through the eyes of a Catholic that I understood how Jesus established this great sacrament in order to bring us closer to Him.
In his letter, the Apostle James says that we should confess our sins to one another(James 5:16). This was common practice during Jesus' ministry and the early church. As the church developed, what had begun as a public confession of one's sins turned into a confession to a representative of the community- a Priest. The Priest as the confessor makes perfect sense when you read John 20:21-23(above). Jesus intended for the Priest to hear and forgive the sins of the people, just like He heard and forgave the sins of the people who followed Him during his time on earth.
Throughout the gospels, you can see how Christ experienced all of His humanity. He felt all the human emotions. He knows what it feels like to be happy, sad, angry, hurt, or scared because He felt it as a flesh and blood human. Christ knows how important it is for us to face our emotions so that we can live in His love. Jesus understands that humans need to say it out loud with their own voices to other Christians where they have failed. When we do this, we are forced to put our faults it into words which helps us to understand their impact and to work through our emotions. When we acknowledge our failings, we can begin to heal the damage those choices have made and find peace. Jesus knows that our voices need to say it out loud and our words need to be heard by trusted ears so we can grasp that acknowledgement and deal with our emotions. And our ears especially need to hear a human voice say that God loves us and forgives us. Our spirits need to feel Christ lift those burdens from our shoulders. And this is why He gave us the sacrament of reconciliation.
In the few times I have gone, I have had a great experience. The Priest always says something that blows me away. His words have given me confirmation of something God laid on my heart or direction on something I needed to do. Sometimes the words that spilled out of the Priest's mouth are the same exact words a friend said to me or something I read in a book or an article or the bible that didn’t really make a whole lot of sense until that moment. Every time I go and give a voice my failings and ask for forgiveness from God with the Priest, those obstacles that were between me and God are lifted and the communication I have with God is that much clearer. And the Priest is the catalyst of that communication. It’s a really interesting and amazing experience for this simple girl who stumbled upon the Catholic faith.
I wish I can say that I have been to reconciliation many times, but I haven't. I do have trust issues with people in ministry that I am working to heal. Becoming vulnerable to a Priest is still not easy for me. But now that I have been a few times, I find myself examining my conscience more often. Every time I go, I let a little less time pass between visits. I suppose my mind and my heart are feeling the value of the confession while my spirit is anticipating and craving that next close and unique encounter with our Lord. And every time I have the courage to walk through that door and trust the Priest and ask for God's forgiveness, a little more of the wall is torn down which allows a little more of Christ to live in me.
I admit it. I am addicted to reconciliation. Not in a million years did I think that I would WANT to utilize this sacrament-especially since I have a fear of trusting anyone in ministry. But, now that I have utilized it, I can't seem to get enough of it.
When I was growing up in the Southern Baptist Church, I was taught that the Catholic's practice of reconciliation was not necessary. I was taught that confession directly to almighty God through prayer is all that is needed for forgiveness of sins. Although my Southern Baptist brothers and sisters are correct in that confession directly to God will forgive their sins, they are overlooking a great gift Jesus gives us in reconciliation.
I wasn't sold on the idea of reconciliation when I first became Catholic. I didn't really understand why I should confess my sins to a perfect stranger. To tell you the truth, I never really thought about my sins. As a Southern Baptist, we weren't taught to focus on what we had done wrong, but to try to move on and live right. God has already forgiven us when we invited Jesus to live in our hearts so there was no need to ask for forgiveness unless you did something really wrong. So, when I became Catholic, the whole thing didn't make sense to me. I hadn't murdered anyone, so why did I need to go to confession? It wasn't until I started studying the bible through the eyes of a Catholic that I understood how Jesus established this great sacrament in order to bring us closer to Him.
In his letter, the Apostle James says that we should confess our sins to one another(James 5:16). This was common practice during Jesus' ministry and the early church. As the church developed, what had begun as a public confession of one's sins turned into a confession to a representative of the community- a Priest. The Priest as the confessor makes perfect sense when you read John 20:21-23(above). Jesus intended for the Priest to hear and forgive the sins of the people, just like He heard and forgave the sins of the people who followed Him during his time on earth.
Throughout the gospels, you can see how Christ experienced all of His humanity. He felt all the human emotions. He knows what it feels like to be happy, sad, angry, hurt, or scared because He felt it as a flesh and blood human. Christ knows how important it is for us to face our emotions so that we can live in His love. Jesus understands that humans need to say it out loud with their own voices to other Christians where they have failed. When we do this, we are forced to put our faults it into words which helps us to understand their impact and to work through our emotions. When we acknowledge our failings, we can begin to heal the damage those choices have made and find peace. Jesus knows that our voices need to say it out loud and our words need to be heard by trusted ears so we can grasp that acknowledgement and deal with our emotions. And our ears especially need to hear a human voice say that God loves us and forgives us. Our spirits need to feel Christ lift those burdens from our shoulders. And this is why He gave us the sacrament of reconciliation.
In the few times I have gone, I have had a great experience. The Priest always says something that blows me away. His words have given me confirmation of something God laid on my heart or direction on something I needed to do. Sometimes the words that spilled out of the Priest's mouth are the same exact words a friend said to me or something I read in a book or an article or the bible that didn’t really make a whole lot of sense until that moment. Every time I go and give a voice my failings and ask for forgiveness from God with the Priest, those obstacles that were between me and God are lifted and the communication I have with God is that much clearer. And the Priest is the catalyst of that communication. It’s a really interesting and amazing experience for this simple girl who stumbled upon the Catholic faith.
I wish I can say that I have been to reconciliation many times, but I haven't. I do have trust issues with people in ministry that I am working to heal. Becoming vulnerable to a Priest is still not easy for me. But now that I have been a few times, I find myself examining my conscience more often. Every time I go, I let a little less time pass between visits. I suppose my mind and my heart are feeling the value of the confession while my spirit is anticipating and craving that next close and unique encounter with our Lord. And every time I have the courage to walk through that door and trust the Priest and ask for God's forgiveness, a little more of the wall is torn down which allows a little more of Christ to live in me.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Old and New Faith
As I enter the New Year, I can't help but reflect upon the past and be hopeful about the future. Lately, my refection has been upon my experience with church. I have thought long and hard about my decision to leave the realm of Protestant life. My humanity questions this decision. Although my family is supportive of my faith, I did severe something when I left my childhood church- the church that raised four generations of God-fearing Protestants, and followed Christ to the Catholic faith. Being that I am right smack in the middle of the Bible belt, I am also surrounded by my Protestant friends who find my path confusing if not troubling. In my weaker moments, when I let my humanity overpower my spirit, I find myself in a lonely place.
I'm not lonely because I left the Protestant faith. I'm sad because my Protestant family and friends do not experience Christ like I do. Because I am a convert, I have done a lot of justifying of my Catholic faith. One reason I believe Christ is in the Eucharist is through John chapter 6. There are many references to the Eucharist throughout the Old Testament and St. Paul also writes about the real presence of Christ in the Eucharist in his many letters. I believe in the authority of the Catholic Church because it was established by Jesus and has endured for 2000 years. I believe in the intersession of Angels and Saints- especially Mary because in his dying breath, Jesus established her as our Mother. She is a beautiful window to Christ. For me, the Catholic faith is a complete package.
But, here is my problem. In all of my justifying, I have become closed minded to other Christian faiths. I have drawn clear boundaries between what is right about the Catholic faith and wrong about other Christian faiths in order to justify my path. In doing so, I have built a wall. I have drawn a line in the sand. I have forced others to choose a side or not play the game. Obviously, this isn't a step towards unity. Christ wants us all to be united under one church. My wall building is not a positive step toward that goal.
I want so much for my Protestant friends to see and experience Christ like I experience Him. I want them to be in a church where scripture makes sense because church doctors and apologetics have been interpreting them for 2000 years. I want them to be in a church where heaven kisses earth every time we gather around the Lord's Table. I want them to experience a mass where the focus isn't on the human delivering the message but the divine coming to humanity. But my wants have built this wall. My past experiences have clouded my ability to reach out to them. My human justification has not allowed Christ to work through me. And although I have worthy desires for my Protestant friends, my humanity is driving them away from the Church.
So, once again, my humanity is getting in the way. I must die to my desires in order to let Christ work in me. I must set aside my justification and allow Christ to use my passion. I have my reasons for embracing the Catholic faith, but I cannot make the people around me share those same reasons. They have to find their own path in order for Christ to light that fire in their hearts. My role is set aside my justification and share the joy Christ has placed in my being. I must let go of the old and embrace the hope in the new.
I'm not lonely because I left the Protestant faith. I'm sad because my Protestant family and friends do not experience Christ like I do. Because I am a convert, I have done a lot of justifying of my Catholic faith. One reason I believe Christ is in the Eucharist is through John chapter 6. There are many references to the Eucharist throughout the Old Testament and St. Paul also writes about the real presence of Christ in the Eucharist in his many letters. I believe in the authority of the Catholic Church because it was established by Jesus and has endured for 2000 years. I believe in the intersession of Angels and Saints- especially Mary because in his dying breath, Jesus established her as our Mother. She is a beautiful window to Christ. For me, the Catholic faith is a complete package.
But, here is my problem. In all of my justifying, I have become closed minded to other Christian faiths. I have drawn clear boundaries between what is right about the Catholic faith and wrong about other Christian faiths in order to justify my path. In doing so, I have built a wall. I have drawn a line in the sand. I have forced others to choose a side or not play the game. Obviously, this isn't a step towards unity. Christ wants us all to be united under one church. My wall building is not a positive step toward that goal.
I want so much for my Protestant friends to see and experience Christ like I experience Him. I want them to be in a church where scripture makes sense because church doctors and apologetics have been interpreting them for 2000 years. I want them to be in a church where heaven kisses earth every time we gather around the Lord's Table. I want them to experience a mass where the focus isn't on the human delivering the message but the divine coming to humanity. But my wants have built this wall. My past experiences have clouded my ability to reach out to them. My human justification has not allowed Christ to work through me. And although I have worthy desires for my Protestant friends, my humanity is driving them away from the Church.
So, once again, my humanity is getting in the way. I must die to my desires in order to let Christ work in me. I must set aside my justification and allow Christ to use my passion. I have my reasons for embracing the Catholic faith, but I cannot make the people around me share those same reasons. They have to find their own path in order for Christ to light that fire in their hearts. My role is set aside my justification and share the joy Christ has placed in my being. I must let go of the old and embrace the hope in the new.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Our Christmas Tree
The gravity of the years hit me when we were decorating the Christmas tree. Decorating the tree is one of my favorite family events of the Christmas season. The kids have a great time looking at all the ornaments and finding each ornament's perfect spot on the tree. My husband always finds his homemade childhood ornaments and puts them on the very front and while he is not looking, I sneak them to the very back. I enjoy putting the first ornaments we got as a couple on the tree. It is a set of 12 German ornaments that German Christians say no tree should be without. To us, the ornaments aren't just decorations. Each one has a special meaning.
When we first got married, we didn't have a lot of meaningful ornaments. So, I went out and bought some decorative ornaments that held little significance so our tree would not look so bare. As we were unpacking the ornaments this year, I noticed that many of those ornaments are gone and replaced with ornaments we have collected over the years. Now most of our ornaments represent a special memory. Each one is a frozen moment in our history. They are a wonderful trip down memory lane telling the story of who we are.
As I thought about our ornaments on the Christmas tree, I realized what a beautiful symbol it has become. The Christmas tree is a symbol of Christ's gift of himself to us. Its unchanging evergreen nature represents eternal life. It is a symbol of the new tree of life we have through baptism. What a beautiful thing it is to see our history on the tree of eternal life; to see our moments hanging on the branches of Christ's love; to see Christ touching and sharing each memory with us. And as we put our ornaments on the tree, we give Him our moments. We trust Him with our lives. We live for His promise of eternal life. And with His love intertwined in our past and holding onto our future, we give Him ourselves for His greater glory.
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