Missing Mardi Gras

One of the things I really miss about New Orleans is Mardi Gras. If you are not from there, when you hear the words Mardi Gras, you probably think about all the rude and crude behavior on Bourbon. But that is only one small part of it. Mardi Gras season is part of the glue that holds together the community of New Orleans. I am not speaking of the economic impact, but the social impact. For those who are in a Krewe, there are balls, supper dances, presentations, along with the culminating parade event. My husband did ride a few times in Zeus and enjoyed it immensely. But for us, that wasn't the heart of the fun. Our routine was a little more simple. On parade night, we would go to Gerry's grandmother's house and visit for a while. Then we would gather up all of our parade essentials and head out to Vets. We always stood across from shogun on the neutral ground and had a great time. Sometimes, we would dress up our dog Minnie and take her with us. After we had little Gerry, we would dress him in his favorite costume for the parade. One year on Fat Tuesday, I dressed up too and took little Gerry for a walk down vets before all the parades rolled. It was so much fun. We usually made friends with someone new and always ran into old friends. It was a time to catch up, have fun and enjoy time with family and friends. And at the end of every parade night, we would take those friends back to Gerry's Grandmother's house and have king cake and coffee(or a coke). I love all those memories. I had no idea that they would mean so much to me. They say that New Orleans is the biggest small town in America. If you don't know what that means, then head to New Orleans during Mardi Gras.

The Gift of Faith

Faith has been a complicated issue my whole life. I always thought faith was something you strive to have. It was something that you found in yourself. If you were a good christian, then you had faith. You worked hard and unearthed the faith from deep inside yourself. I have learned that this is not true. Faith is not something we posses innately. Faith is given to us. God, the Holy Spirit gives us faith. Jesus tells us to come to him like a child. All we do is come and he gives us the faith.

In my Catholic journey, I have asked myself and I have been asked by my Protestant brothers and sisters how can you believe_____________? I just do. I have been given the faith. Though I am completely unworthy of it, I have been given the faith. It isn't something I have to muster up inside. It doesn't come from me. I don't need proof or a complicated justification from the written word. God has given me the faith to believe and I do. He has opened my eyes and I have to believe. It's not a choice. And to give myself over to the gift of faith is so rewarding. To know that this is the Truth is so comforting. To silence the doubting, questioning little devil on my shoulder is ever so freeing. Now I can concentrate on God's work- to share my faith- to worship in the tradition developed over 2000 years of Christianity- to grow closer to my Lord.

Thank you Lord for this wonderful gift of Faith so I can know you on a level I never thought possible. Your Love leaves me speechless.

My Ongoing Journey

I can't hide it under a basket anymore. It's been under the basket for 10 years or so. I left it under there while I was busy planning my life. I sat on that basket, made my plans and made myself miserable. As my plans unraveled, God was there to pick up all the pieces. Even though I ignored Him for all these years, He is here for me now. Even though His call has fallen on my deaf ears for so long, He is here for me now. He was always waiting. And He is holding all of my unravelled plans in His pierced hands and asking me to trust Him. And now He wants me to get rid of the basket. I have to hand it over. He wants my wilted and pitiful light to shine. My naked and vulnerable light to shine for all of you to see. He wants me to be bold. He wants me to carry out His plan for my life. A plan that I feel is very ambitious. A plan that I am not worthy of living. But, nevertheless, it is His plan. And His call is to trust Him- to love Him.

I am Southern Baptist by birth, but called and drawn to the Catholic faith. Fascinated by the Catholic faith. I know that I am called by Him to the Catholic faith. I am very much like a fish out of water. I deserted one church for the call of another. The ones I have left, do not understand me. The ones whom I now worship with do not understand me. But I know He does. And He is calling me to trust Him. To walk down this very uncertain path with no one to lead the way but Him. And He is asking you to pray for me.

The Little Things

I got to thinking today about how life was before I had children. Its been almost 9 years so it is hard to remember. But there are little things I do remember that are no longer part of my life. And I miss them. I wouldn't trade anything in the world for the experience of being a Mommy, but I can't help but miss these little things that are gone:

• Going to the bathroom by myself. It could be at home or out somewhere. I can't remember the last time I didn't have an audience.
• Reading an entire chapter of a book or the newspaper without interruption.
• Drinking an entire bottle of water without baby backwash in it.
• having a clean house
• sleep
• the confidence of knowing what is supposed to be in my purse is actually in my purse
• silence
• watching an entire 30 minute show on T.V
• sitting down with out being mauled or summoned

I could probably think of more, but I am too tired. Its been one of those days....

Sanity/Kitchen Update

Well, things are getting there. I have to hold onto that. For Christmas, we had painted cabinets with new hardware. However, the drawers on one side didn't work yet so all my Tupperware was in the office for the holiday season. And the garbage cabinet wasn't ready either which wasn't that big of a deal. The doors on the new cabinets above the old cabinets were not installed. And, to my great relief, the granite guy was found in Galveston. He was putting a new roof on his sister's hurricane damaged home.

So, my contractor came back today to do finish up the cabinet work which looks awesome. And I love the garbage in a cabinet so toddlers and puppies can't get to it. But he gave me a bit of bad news. The granite guy whom he spoke with on Monday about coming this week to do my counter tops, had a massive heart attack on Tuesday. He is alive. He has undergone a triple bypass. And he has been unconscious since the heart attack. And he is the only one who knows where my granite is (his son is trying to find it). I know that my granite is the least of the problem. Of course we are all more concerned about his well being. He is a very nice man and it would be tragic if he did not recover. So to say the least, the granite guy and his family need your prayers. I am reminded that sometimes there are things that are bigger than my insanity and the world doesn't revolve around my plans.

My Resolve

Well, here I am staring down another year of my life. It is hard to believe that it is 2009. It seems like just yesterday my father in law was sneaking us into Epcot loaded down apple juice and water bottles filled with Gin and vodka after illegally parking at one of the ritzy Disney hotels so we could ring in the new millennium in style. Almost 10 years has gone by. It seems like a second.

It is that time of year where one looks back and takes inventory of life and decides to re-chart, renew or just forget. As I stand on this precipice, what will I decide? How is it going so far? I know one thing for sure- I am getting old. 31. It is hard to believe that I am not in my 20s any more. What happened to my 20s? I lost them a year and a half ago. Obviously, I have still not come to terms with the fact that they are gone and I can not get them back. So, I may as well just forget them.

So, how should a 31 year old mother of two proceed? What should I be doing with this life? What should I renew or re-chart? I guess I should figure out where I am first. I live in suburbia in a nice neighborhood with a wonderful man who loves me and is married to me and two marvelous boys. I have great friends and a great job. It is hard to decide to change any of that since it is all so much more than I could have asked for. But the question is- Am I really living my life? Am I getting as much out of this life as possible? What kind of resolutions can I make to really live?

• Resolution #1- Exercise

I make this one a resolution every year so I may as well start of the list with it. So far, my pattern has been to exercise until my schedule gets tough and then quit until summer where I start again with renewed and guilt laden vigor and then give up when school starts and I become a marching band widow. So, I declare it now to all of you-all of these excuses for not exercising are just excuses! I am going to do it. If I blog about it, then maybe I actually will do it. All year. My goal is to run a half marathon. Maybe it will happen this year. I hope I am not too old.

• Resolution #2 Have more quiet time

This past year I started having my quiet time again. It is nice to sit with God each day. It is comforting to imagine me in his arms as we waltz around the dance floor of my life. It is nice to quiet my mind and feed my spirit. I will do more of this. It makes life easier.

• Resolution #3 Drink more Wine

They say that wine is good for you. So I say that I will drink more of it. And enjoy it.

• Resolution #4 Sit down

My Mom says that watching me makes her tired. Sometimes, she will examine my butt to see where the spring is. I tell everyone that I am too ADD to sit down and concentrate on something like a movie. When I sit down, I think of all the things I could be doing. There is always a list... So this year, I say out with the list! I am sitting down with my glass of wine and I am enjoying the movie. No matter how hard it is for me. I am going to sit down. (My Mom is going to be dumbfounded).

• Resolution #5 Have more sex

My husband will like this one. So, how did this come about you ask? Gerry and I were reading the paper one Sunday morning and there was an article about a pastor who put forth a challenge to his congregation- have sex for seven days in a row(we assume he meant with your spouse). Now, I know that my younger readers with no children will find this challenge not so challenging, but for us it was something we really had to work at. We have two young children and Gerry works all the time. Making time and finding energy for it was a challenge. But we tried it. We made it six days and then Gerry came down with some kind of virus (I hope it wasn't related to the sex). But really, it was good for us. It was a very nice six days. We definitely need more sex. I highly recommend it.

• Resolution #6 Give up control

I like to be in control. Of everything. I am a control freak. Everyone around me knows it. So this year, I am going to give up some control. I will let my kids clean up after themselves and compliment their attempt without redoing it while they sleep. I will let my husband do the dishes more often and tell him thank you instead of re-washing it all. I will also let him fold laundry and resist the urge to re-fold or re-hang everything. Basically, I will let people do things for me and I will be gracious and enjoy the fact that I didn't have to do it. (The wine resolution will help with this one.)

Now that I have made my resolutions, I am eager to see how the year will unfold. Will Ben learn to use the potty? Will Max stop chewing everything up? Will I enjoy working for myself in my own home daycare? Will Little Gerry finally make a goal in soccer? Will my husband finally get a raise? I don't know what the year will bring but I do know one thing- I will enjoy living it.

She's Come Undone

I have come to the conclusion that I must have a touch of OCD. We are in the process of a small scale kitchen remodel. It started in August with promises of actual work being done in October. Well, the work started a week ago. So the stress of getting it started was already pressing. But the actual stress of not having a usable kitchen is a million times worse for me.

Some of you know that I am a fairly neat person. I try to keep the dust off the furniture and cobwebs off the ceiling. Here in Texas, that is not an easy feat. I have been known to pick up toys and put away clutter and I have even cleaned the bathrooms. Generally, the biggest challenge of my household chores is the clutter. I like for everything to be in its place and when you live with a 31 year old man, 9 year old boy and 22 month old toddler, it can be challenging to keep up with the clutter. At this moment, my whole down stairs is consumed with clutter. It has swallowed up every inch of space. You can not see the tops of my dining room table or kitchen table. The dining room floor is covered. My coffee table is even burdened with the clutter. All of this clutter is the contents of my kitchen which makes it worse because everything was clean when it was taken out of the kitchen. Now that it has been sitting out in random places of the house for toddlers, husbands, children and dogs to "play" with, I feel the need to wash it all before it goes back. But that task is not really the source of my angst. I think the combination of the clutter and the fact that I can’t open the refrigerator, or use the sink really brought me to a whole new stage of anxiety. Although I did not know it until it actually became my reality- this is clearly one of my worst nightmares.

People told me that it would be hard to be without the kitchen. I am sure they even said things like you won't be able to cook, clean dishes etc.. But all of their warnings to me just didn't register. I guess the idea of not being able to use my kitchen was so unfathomable that I blocked out all of these "negative comments". As I look back on these conversations, I realize that I was obviously listening with filtered ears. And now that I am experiencing this elevated level of anxiety, I don't know that I could have heard it any other way.

When I walk into my house, I can't even think. The kitchen remodel is messing with my already abnormal degree of insanity. Nothing is getting done-even things that I could do with out the kitchen. I just can't bring myself to think a clear thought. All I can see is the clutter. Christmas is barely coming together. My parents are here on Tuesday and we can't find the granite guy. My contractor thinks he must be out of town. And the clutter is still there- forcing me to escape into the dark recesses of my conscience. To a place where I can forget about the clutter. Unfortunately, I forget about everything else while I am there. So I ask you to pray for me. Pray for the granite guy. And most of all pray for my family as they cope with a mentally absent wife/mother/taxi driver/maid/nurse/social organizer. If we can’t find the granite guy before Christmas, I may seek professional help.